Today, I came across the quote “I am too positive to be doubtful,too optimistic to be fearful, and too determined to be defeated.”  I’d like to add  “Too proud to give up.”

They say pride is a sin, but it’s a sin I choose to make over and over again.  I can not, will not settle for less.  I’ve grown into the Leo title I was born with.  A lion through and through.  Proud and vicious. Stubborn and naive.

A poem comes to mind by Shan Yu, “Live with a man 40 years. Share his house, his meals. Speak on every subject. Then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano’s edge. And on that day, you will finally meet the man.”  I have my own interpretation of this.

There is no other that understands my limits better than me.  I am that hand that grips my neck and holds me over the volcanoes edge.  I look deep into the flame and see the potential for something more, but at a high price.  There is no one who will push me harder and can be no other I could disappoint further than myself.

I’m overtaken by the blaze; that flare reflected in mine eye.  Each time I climb higher than the last falling farther with each failed attempt, only to rise again a little wiser and my vision broadened to see a clearer portrait of that pin sized goal.  I’ve fallen from a great height battered and broken but with the animosity to survive.  Fed by each lesson, my cup is growing full.

I am driven to succeed in my endeavors and cannot give up on my dreams.  I have been blessed with many passions, each I’m willing to pursue as much as the next.  Therein lies my dilemma.  I want to become fluent in all my ventures.  Often I take on more than I can handle, but my fascination with each undertaking propels me to see how much I can truly take.  All that I see in the flame; another challenge to triumph over.

It’s my life and I strive to better myself every day.  I’m not happy with actions of my past. So be it. What is my next move?  How can I accomplish a better life for myself?  It starts by becoming the man I deem to be the best.  I am far from perfect, but why should that stop me from trying to be.

I’ve been told I put far too much pressure on myself.  But if I don’t, what’s the point?  We’re all searching for the reason why we are here.  This is mine.  I aim to make something of my life, or die trying.  It may be insanity but what is life without a little chaos?  It is the unpredictability that keeps life interesting.  There must be a stability that holds it together.  My drive is my stability; my only constant, and what holds me together.

My determination is the only encouragement I need for me to pick up the pieces and try again.  Without it I would cease to exist as me.  It’s the only thing we have true control over.  I would spiral into nonexistence without it.  It’s why I repeatedly throw myself into the fray.

I cannot comprehend failure and therein lies my fault.  I’m not talking about the little battles in life I’ve often lost but rather the war that is my own.  My own personal conquest to achieve what is not impossible.  Life’s failures bring a hurricane of doubt.  With each one, the fire in me nearly extinguished only intensifies in potency.  That candle burning twice as bright.  I’ll weather the storm and waves that attempt to drown me.

It’s my pride that motivates me.  My conviction will lead me to greatness.  But I also know it will be my downfall.